I haven't gone to bed yet, I'm not even in my bed.

For some reason I thought this was a funny one today:

Ryan Gosling on Ellen on Friday? Could it be true?!

My thought process is really fucked up. I have been in such a wonderful, happy mood the past couple of weeks that I don't know what is going on with me. Nothing seems horrible, and nothing seems dark.

So I don't get it. Why is that I feel worthless and stupid. I know that with bdsm and all of those aspects, I like those degrading and humiliating comments to come in. However, I want it to shut off when I am done. I guess I know why that's why I'd want a partner that would provide that after care that would get me back to that safe place again. But can't I do it on my own? I don't get it. Part of me is torn - thinking that I am too weak to get back and wondering if it's okay to rely on someone for this help. What are you trying to tell me here brain?! WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC??

Hi. Just added a few more people from the old journal.

My last day of work was on Friday, and it hasn't sunk in that I have really left. It feels like I just have the day off and will have to return to work tomorrow. However, I am going to be working part time at a environmental consulting firm (don't ask me what that means - my eyes glazed over when he was explaining it) doing office work. The way this worked out was kind of odd. Last week at work I was on the phone with a volunteer and she wanted to donate some furniture to us. My office said yes and then she asked if we (well I because I took the call) knew of anyone who was looking for part time work at her husband's office. I said something like, "Well I am because I just quit and my last day is Friday." So long story short, I went in there this morning and I will be going in on Thursday again to get started. She also asked me to pet sit towards the end of March.

I did some other things today to keep productive, but now I am kind of bored. I have visited my sites about 10 times already and no one updates enough in my opinion. I think I am still up in the hopes that something excited will happen. Yes, at 12:12am on a Monday night.

Anyway, I have been irritated with some people lately. They tell me I have their support, but when it comes down to it, they only really wanted you to do what they wanted. It's like an exchange. Well, I supported you, now you HAVE to do what I say. At times I feel pulled between two groups, and they both do it, making me feel guilty for not choosing them or giving me ultimatums. And then even when I want to vent my fustrations, it is ME who is the bad guy. No one else is at fault.

... and I mean that in the sweetest possible way...

some of you obviously haven't figured out who this is, or you would have added me by now! but anyway, I'll leave some comments to some of you soon to let you know. in the mean time, i just wanted to post a little something to say hey i'm still alive. i'll keep this post open i guess, just for a little bit.